Better Together

"Better Together"

By Bruce S. Riley, LMFT

I'm sure you've heard the expression "Two heads are better than one". Well, I believe it is true, especially when it comes to developing a successful marriage. The expression suggests that the thoughts, ideas, and abilities of two people brought together would work far better to solve problems, complete a project, or get a job done much faster than one person doing it. Two people can pool their resources and share perspectives that give faster results and better decision making.

To see two people walk, work, and love together is a beautiful thing. It is a bond developed by mutual trust and the increasing comfort gained every time you spend time together. The more things we do together, the more we learn each other's strengths and abilities. This makes for easier living. It also allows you to distribute appropriate roles in the household. For example, two people working gives you two incomes so you can purchase a home, or one could work and the other can take care of the household.

My wife and I look out for each other. As we watch each other's backs we gain a sense of support and teamwork. I love being with this woman. She gives me a reason to come home. I even sleep better when she is laying next to me. It is a fact that people who have a companion live much longer than a person who lives alone.

"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone?" Ecclesiastes 4:9-11

Finally, love is a partnership of two unique people who bring out the very best in each other, and who know that even though they are wonderful as individuals, they are even better together.

When Someone Breaks Your Heart

When Someone Breaks Your Heart

When someone breaks your heart you experience so many different feelings...regret, anger, betrayal, hurt, disgust, disillusionment, doubt, fear, hate, etc. But you also feel love - the passion of all passions. If you didn't still love the person you would not give yourself the room to feel all the other emotions. You see, the opposite of love is apathy...you wouldn't care.

So now, if you are to get past this heartbreak, you must tell yourself the truth - you still have feeling for the person who broke your heart. You must decide what you will do with these feelings. But you must also tell yourself that "It is over". Perhaps the agony that is going on is a desire that somehow the person is going to have a change of heart and return. This is the inner struggle that you must resolve.

But I must also ask you the question of how you will feel if this person returns? How will you then feel about yourself? Will you feel that you are respected or valued the same? Will you be able to trust? Will the respect be the same? Or will you just feel tolerated? You must honestly answer these questions, which I believe will help you resolve the inner struggle.

When someone leaves they have made a choice. They have to live with that choice, not you. You must live on. But to live on you must cut the ties. You both invested in the relationship, so there are losses on both sides. Cut your losses and move on. To remain in this relationship emotionally (which you are by continuing to struggle with these feelings towards this person), you continue to pay for something you no long have.

You must decide to end this relationship for good through the power of forgiveness. Yes, you want the person to suffer for the feelings you have for being heartbroken. But all that is is vengeance. You become the other person. And if you don't admit your heart is broken you won't ever heal. And if you don't forgive you won't move on. You will stay stuck in your pain.

To truly forgive you must return to love. No longer hold the other person responsible for hurting you, and fully return to loving yourself in this persons absence. Take back your heart and realize that you can still live. To forgive you must say "goodbye" until you mean it. To forgive you must acknowledge that the other person had value in your life, but not anymore. So say "goodbye". This way, should you see the person again, remember that you are still saying "goodbye". After awhile you will discovery that all those negative feelings you were struggling with are covered by love...mostly for yourself.

"Don't feel bad if someone rejects you. People usually reject expensive things because they can't afford them" (Unknown)

Fighting Loneliness

Fighting Loneliness

By Dr. Bruce

At some point in our lives we all experience some form of loneliness...for companionship, friendship, company, for the presence of God, or just someone to listen. I have added a few tips to help just in case you might need to know how to handle a case of loneliness.

1.     Don’t pretend – It’s ok to feel lonely. Let God know where you are.

2.     You may feel lonely, but you are not alone. Declare that you are not alone.

3.     Identify your purpose clearly and concisely – What are you passionate about? By engaging in purposeful living, connections will be made that sustain relationships with people who are significant to you.

4.     Start working on your purpose (or assignment) Do something every day. The happiest people are the ones who make a difference in someone's life.

5.     Stop trying to make everyone else happy. Do things that make you happy...the thing you were put here for.

6.     Serve – Refer to Luke 6:38 “Give and it shall be given unto you…” Giving your time is as good as money.

7.     Fight with the Word of God – refer to the scriptures below. Refuse to give into any negative feelings brought on by loneliness.

8.     Lose your shame – maybe you don't have the kind of relationships as some others. You are just as important as the next person. No "pity parties". Get up, and go volunteer at the hospital. There are plenty of people to talk to there.

9.     Tear down the walls of insecurity and build a bridge to your destiny. Move beyond your past. Forgive those who hurt you.

10.     Find your lost self. Like the person that you are alone with…you. Do some of the things you've always wanted to do (i,e., take that trip, parasail, run a marathon, etc.). You will be surprised with the many things that you can do when you release yourself.

11.      Know that someone cares, and is waiting for you. When you actively live your life, you will invariably connect with people who will later say, "It seems like we've known each other all our lives." There are people within blocks of where you live that would love to be in your company.

12.       Love should always be intentional. "A man who has friends must himself be friendly..." Proverbs 18:24. Any time you reach out in a loving way to others, you can expect them to return the kindness.

Scriptures

The following 7 Scripture verses assure you of God’s presence, even at your loneliest hour.

1. “Your God, the Lord himself, will be with you. He will not fail you or abandon you.”

See Deuteronomy 31:6 (GNTD)

2. “When they call to me, I will answer them; when they are in trouble, I will be with them.”

Psalm 91:15(a) (GNTD)

3. “If the Lord had not helped me, I would have gone quickly to the land of silence. I said, ‘I am falling’; but your constant love, O Lord, held me up.”

Psalm 94:17, 18 (GNTD)

4. “Do not be afraid. I will save you. I have called you by name—you are mine. When you pass through deep waters, I will be with you; your troubles will not overwhelm you. When you pass through fire, you will not be burned; the hard trials that come will not hurt you. For I am the Lord, your God. … because you are precious to me and because I love you and give you honor, do not be afraid—I am with you!”

See Isaiah 43:1-5 (GNTD)

5. “I will be with you always, to the end of the age.”

See Matthew 28:20 (GNTD)

6. “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.”

John 14:18 (ESV)

7. “No one stood by me the first time I defended myself; all deserted me. ... But the Lord stayed with me and gave me strength.”

See 2 Timothy 4:16,17 (GNTD)

How to Make & Keep Friends

How to Make & Keep Friends

By Dr. Bruce

Having friends is one of the most pleasant of human experiences. Friends provide good company, fun, someone to talk to, and someone who can support you when trouble comes. There may be some of you that have difficulty making and keeping friends. For that reason, I have some handy tips to help you.

The first thing you want to develop is the ability to meet people. In order to meet people, you need to stay in the public. Go where people gather: Churches, schools, coffee shops, parks, malls, etc. It is a good practice to speak to everyone who comes within three feet of you. When you say, “Hello”, make sure you smile. People love to see a friendly face.

It is important to believe certain things about yourself if you are to meet more people: Say to yourself, “I am interesting, I am funny, people want to meet me, and I have something to say.” And when you meet someone for the first time, you can talk about the circumstance that has brought you together. For example: If you meet at a ballgame, you can certainly talk about your team, significance of the game, where you are seated, how well your team is doing or not doing, the other team, or why you are at this particular game. This type of conversation can go on for quite a while. Then you can talk about the other person. Ask them who they are, what they do, and what they like. Be prepared to share the same things about yourself.

The second thing you want to do is treat people. Once you both determine that you have enough likability, and have enough in common worthy of a friendship, then make it your plan to stay in touch on a regular basis. I have a system called “Five for Five”. Most of us can keep up with at least five good friends. Do these five things with your top five friends:

1.       Call them once a week just to see how they are doing.

2.       Invite them to participate when you have a special event.

3.       Attend special events that they invite you to.

4.       Do something for them every six months (Show up at a gathering, send a card, take them to lunch, go on an outing, etc.)

5.       Remember their birthdays by sending a card or helping them celebrate.

Real friends are not bothersome, but delightful. So, you want to stay available when needed. Stay cheerful and encouraging. When there is a problem, spend more time on solutions rather than the problem.

Finally, there is a scripture that says, “A man that has friends must show himself friendly.” So go out of your way to contribute joy, hope, and love into the lives of those you call “a friend.”

Do this Everyday (To keep your life in balance)

Do this Everyday

(To keep your life in balance)

PRAY - Ask God for direction, protection, and provision. Also, give thanks. It is a privilege to have today.

WORK - Put forth some effort on your education or livelihood. Life is not a free ride. It’s the price you pay achievement.

TELL - Let somebody know how much you love them. You did not get to this place in your life by yourself. Life without love is lonely.

SHOW - Demonstrate by your behavior that you genuinely care about someone. This is how you keep love coming in your direction. What you sow, you reap.

DO - Engage in something fun. It breaks up the busyness of the day, and allows the kid in you to have a recess.

By Dr. Bruce S. Riley LMFT

What to do when you experience Trauma

During your lifetime you will experience some kind of trauma; some more than others. The definition of trauma is this: It is when your mind and emotions have been stressed beyond your capacity to handle an event that affects your life and safety or of someone close to you.

With recent hurricanes, tornados, earthquakes, and mass shootings occurring near us or someone we love, it can cause you to become overwhelmed with fear, sadness, despair, heartbreak, loneliness, the inability to sleep, anxiety, or depression. Some may even resort to drinking, the use of drugs, or even to contemplate suicide to deal with the pain. Hopefully you won’t consider either of these options.

I do have a few recommendations that may help you deal with your trauma in a way that allows you to move on with your life:

Experience it – That is, move through it and engage in the factors that allow you to touch the people connected to you and the adjustments that must follow. Give yourself time to cry, or take a ‘time out’ to clear your mind and take in the enormity of the event.

Admit it – The mind doesn’t want to believe it; the emotions don’t want to accept it; but psychologically you must own it to begin the healing process. There are times when you may feel so overwhelmed that you may need to see your doctor or counselor to help you grasp what just happened and what to do next.

Choose to deal with it – It is important to express all the emotions that you may feel concerning what has happened; numbness, fear, frustration, anger, revenge, lack of energy, helplessness, etc. You can’t isolate yourself or run away. An example of dealing with it could be just trying to make your day as normal as possible. Or, it could mean you allowing yourself to be consoled by others.

Share it – Some people are able to relieve their trauma by talking about it to or with others. Sharing it can mean ‘exhaling’ all the pain and confusion that may have built up inside. I usually recommend a ‘Survivors Group’ if you are the victim of a crime or you have lost loved ones to a tragedy.

Forgive it – There may be persons associated with the trauma that you need to forgive. Though it may be hard, it may be the first great step towards real healing. It was Deepak Chopra who said, “What we don’t recognize is that holding onto resentment is like holding your breath. You’ll soon start to suffocate.”

Anticipate your future – Someone said, “You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” Survey you life and decide which direction you will go now. You must move on, for life is not meant to be traveled backwards. Many of the people who lost homes and loved ones in Houston, or Mexico, or Puerto Rico have decided to REBUILD. They will not allow their lives to be determined by what they lost. There is truly nothing wrong to give thanks to God for what you yet have to work with and to ask for guidance.

Finally, when you can bounce back from trauma, it is proof that you have the kind of love that surpasses understanding. I believe its God’s love.

 Dr. Bruce

Six Things I Learned About Healing A Broken Heart

I have been reading a lot of stories of people who have suffered broken hearts through various ways, including betrayal, abuse, breakups, etc. Even I have had to recover from the broken heart experienced with my relationship with my father, which was one of neglect. You see, we all have a story.

Whether the story has a happy ending or not depends on whether you allow the healing to take place. It’s not automatic; it takes some effort. But healing is possible. Here’s what I learned that helped me heal:

1.      I learned that I love deeply; that I needed to feel loved; and that I have the capacity to share that love with others, not just my father.

2.      Although I felt the pain of love’s betrayal, it did not exhaust my love. I have love left.

3.      Only the expression of love helps heal a broken heart. 1 Peter 4:8 (NIV) says, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

4.      I learned that some people don’t allow themselves the freedom to love unconditionally, and therefore, are unable to love on the highest level, which is the level of SACRIFICE. I have to realize that my father did not know, or have the ability to love on that level. It made it easier for me to forgive him…to release him from the expectation that I had.

5.      I learned that I had to surrender all my feelings, including my hurts, to God. An unknown author said this, “God can heal a broken heart, but he has to have all the pieces”.

6.      Finally, I had to redirect my love to those people who really matter…my wife, my children, my friends, and my mother and siblings. They are the ones who gave me love, so they are the ones who deserved it. You see, it doesn’t make sense to waste love on someone who can’t or won’t receive it. LOVE THE ONES WHO LOVE YOU!

Dr. Bruce

Seven Hot Tips for your Love Life

Seven Hot tips for your Love Life

1. FLIRT, FLIRT, FLIRT - USE YOUR WORDS. You see, love doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to be felt. Say what turns you on; what makes you feel special; and what makes you enjoy being with this person.

2. KISS, KISS, KISS - DEMONSTRATE AFFECTION. Listen with you heart and not with you head. Let your kisses be a response to what you have been hearing. You are sending a clear message that you like what's happening in this relationship.

3. TEXT, TEXT, TEXT - COMPLIMENT CONSTANTLY.  Say and show gratitude when you are treated well. Say just enough to create a good feeling.

4. HUG, HUG, HUG - MAINTAIN WARMTH AND CLOSENESS. Someone said that a great relationship is the coming together of two great forgivers. Hugs have healing qualities.

5. NOTES, NOTES, NOTES - COMMUNICATE OFTEN. Consider your love as a gift given, and you are merely sending "Thank you" notes to the one who's been giving you so much love.

6. ROMANCE, ROMANCE, ROMANCE - GENERATE A FRAGRANCE. Let what you do together be the continuation of a romance novel. Be proactive, not reactive. Make things happen.

7. SMILE, SMILE, SMILE - PROJECT YOUR PLEASURE. Externalize what you have gotten and what you expect by enjoying every moment with the one you love. 

How to Make and Keep Friends

Having friends is one of the most pleasant of human experiences. Friends provide good company, fun, someone to talk to, and someone who can support you when trouble comes. There may be some of you that have difficulty making and keeping friends. For that reason, I have some handy tips to help you.

The first thing you want to develop is the ability to MEET people. In order to meet people, you need to stay in the public. Go where people gather: Churches, schools, coffee shops, parks, malls, etc. It is a good practice to speak to everyone who comes within three feet of you. When you say, “Hello”, make sure you smile. People love to see a friendly face.

It is important to believe certain things about yourself if you are to meet more people: Say to yourself, “I am interesting, I am funny, people want to meet me, and I have something to say.” And when you meet someone for the first time, you can talk about the circumstance that has brought you together. For example: If you meet at a ballgame, you can certainly talk about your team, significance of the game, where you are seated, how well your team is doing or not doing, the other team, or why you are at this particular game. This type of conversation can go on for quite a while. Then you can talk about the other person. Ask them who they are, what they do, and what they like. Be prepared to share the same things about yourself.

The second thing you want to do is TREAT people. Once you both determine that you have enough likability, and have enough in common worthy of a friendship, then make it your plan to stay in touch on a regular basis. I have a system called “Five for Five”. Most of us can keep up with at least five good friends. Do these five things with your top five friends:

1.       Call them once a week just to see how they are doing.

2.       Invite them to participate when you have a special event.

3.       Attend special events that they invite you to.

4.       Do something for them every six months (Show up at a gathering, send a card, take them to lunch, go on an outing, etc.)

5.       Remember their birthdays by sending a card or helping them celebrate.

Real friends are not bothersome, but delightful. So, you want to stay available when needed. Stay cheerful and encouraging. When there is a problem, spend more time on solutions rather than the problem.

Finally, there is a scripture that says, “A man that has friends must show himself friendly.” So go out of your way to contribute joy, hope, and love into the lives of those you call “a friend.”

Ten Steps to a Better Relationship

A great relationship is not an accident.

1. It is INTENTIONAL - You make time for it.

2. It is POSITIVE - You make it your business not to fuss and fight.

3. It is full of AFFECTION - Plenty of hugs and kisses. 

4. It is COMPLIMENTARY - kind words of admiration should be constant. 

5. It is EXCITING - Always doing something new and interesting. 

6. It PRAYERFUL - Knowing that we all need God's help. 

7. It is SOLVING PROBLEMS - Handling generational issues and getting rid of baggage. 

8. It is ROMANTIC - Discovering the best ways to express love.

9. It is THOUGHTFUL - Taking time to share loving thoughts in creative ways.

10. It is FUTURISTIC - Having a clear vision of the direction the relationship is headed.